xx heartbeats

I’m coming to see that I’m so scared these days of not living up to expectations, that I can’t seem to move from the current state I’m in. I get so distracted by the things I can’t achieve that I figure, why not give up? I’ll fall short anyways. Why bother if all I’m doing is failing because I’m not good enough ?

It scares me to think my dreams can so easily succumb to the doubt that rests within me. These demons proving to me that I truly am weak and have not the time or will to do anything to get to where I want to be. Months ago, I couldn’t dream about doing anything else but writing, but look at where I am now. Two jobs and I’m still broke before I get the next paycheck. Maybe I’m just bad with money… And maybe my life just sucks that way. Even my boyfriend is making more money than me and he just started working two jobs. I have been since June. How much further have I gone ?? What do I have to show for it ??

Nothing.

I’m so pathetic. Sometimes I wish death was a way to restart.